Friday, June 01, 2007

In Memory of Mom

Well, my computer is down for a bit due to a broken adapter but my husband has graciously allowed me to use his computer. :) LOL!
I am in the midst of trying to organize volenteers for my mothers memorial gardens at her last place of employment (somewhat of a halfway house for mentally ill women) My mom had a heart as big as Texas and she Loved what she did, which was helping others. She always wanted the ladies to be able to have a little retreat outside of the home that they could escape to for some down time. She always talked of making the backyard into some tranquil gardens but as a non profit agency it was a little hard to fund. Well, thanks to all of the donations that were given in her memory and honor, Greenwich House and all volenteers are about to make my moms dream a reality. My mom would love to see this and I SOOOO wish that she could! If anyone is interested in helping please let me know because we have LOTS of space for volenteers. :)

Kind of on the same topic, I am wondering if anyone has any experience or can relate at all. I always thought that it would get easier as time went on not having my mom and I am not finding this to be true at all. In fact it seems to get worse. I think in the beginning I must have been kind of numb just because it was such a long road and we were finally at the end. But now it seems like I have a good cry at LEAST once a week. I cant seem to make this void go away. YOu know when you get really sad or frustrated or pissed off or SUPER happy or giddy or your kids do something really cute or gross, etc... and you just want to call your mom and tell her about it(because God knows no one else will sit and talk to your baby on the phone for 10 minues when they arent really saying anything or listen to you tell boring stories of what that same child did today and actually be as interested as you are in telling it)? Anyway, I get that all the time and I cant call her anymore. It just Sucks!! Anyway, sorry for being a downer, I just wonder when it gets better or if it ever does? Ughhhh....now I'm crying again! Good Lord, sometimes being a girl is so frustrating! :)
I do have to say thanks to my SIL and best friend Elizabeth (and John for marrying her) because now that I cant call my mom I just call E and make her listen to all that stuff and she does it happily (I think). lol! Thanks, Love You.

16 comments:

Elizabeth F. said...

That's funny..not the crying part, but while I was reading that I was thinking I'll listen to your stories and talk to your kids and stuff...LOL! But, I know that no one can fill that void in your life and heart. You guys had such an amazing relationship. I witnessed it first-hand.

I do understand how much you miss her though. I was so used to talking to your mom several times a day to tell her silly stuff. You know like, Zoe spun around in a circle and got dizzy for the first time, kinda silly stuff. She probably thought, Would you stop calling me cause I need a nap! or I have to actually WORK since I'm at work! LOL! And I could call her if someone was sick and let her listen to their breathing over the phone. She was such a whiz at diagnosing them over the phone. My grief was daily at first, but now not so much. But, it's there...lingering. I just don't let it visit very often. I still feel her presence as if she could walk in the door at any moment. It seems like yesterday. Now, I'm crying. I don't think it will ever get any easier, just maybe less frequently that you will think about it. In the meantime, you have friends (me and others) that you can call to share life stuff. We gladly will listen. Love you.:-)

Sarafu said...

Thanks E! ITs weird what triggers memories. I have been listening to Keith Green in my car on my way to work and it makes me feel like my mom is sitting right beside me singing along in the funny little way that she did. I love that! Lee and John, do you remeber listening to Keith all the time in the car when we were growing up?

Jenny W said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE KEITH GREEN!!!!!!!!

Jenny W said...

and fyi i think the numb part happens to all of us immediately following a death. we're going through it with my grandma right now as you know; she's been gone a month and my mom gets a little teary day to day thinking about her, but hasn't had a good ol "my mom is dead" meltdown yet. i think it's because the end was so long and hard we're relieved right now (and afraid to say that because it sounds horrible?) but it'll hit...and when it does i don't know how long it takes to go away, or if it ever does?

Sarafu said...

YAY! I have found another Keith Green Fan! I love the music and I think alot of it too comes with so many memories that I just cant stop listening. Plus, He was an INCREDIBLE Man!!!!! LOVE HIM!

Mrs. Sara said...

I'm gonna see if I'll be able to make it next weekend, Fu!

Elizabeth F. said...

I asked John about Keith Green, and if he remembered listening to it growing up...he rolled his eyes. LOL!

Sarafu said...

Big Old DOrk! You know he loves it, he just doesnt want to admit to it! :)

leviathen said...

sara

i still get that too. i was sitting the other night with afton and just looking at how beautful she is and i started tearing up. just remebering that mom never got to meet her.

or last week when cedar had a little surgical procedure done, i was really freaking out (even thoguth it was very minor) but i wanted to have her there so i can just tell her that.

this sucks.

ps. i rolled my eyes too! hehe. how about steve and annie chapman. ugh. brutal.

l.

Elizabeth F. said...

surgical procedure on Cedar???? That's the first I'm hearing about this. What did he have done?

Mrs. Sara said...

Nose job.

Liz said...

I have lost several grandparents...I was really close with my Grandma Felix and I had a really really hard time when she passed away (even though she was better off in heaven not suffering). I do think grief comes in phases especially as you go on with daily life and your loved one is not there to share little things with you. But I will definitely not try to say I understand or can relate my grandma's death with you losing your mom, Sara. It is not the same and I won't pretend it is. THere is a special bond between a mom and a daughter that cannot be replaced and it sounds like you and your mom were really close. I wish there was some magic formula to make things easier for you, but since there is not all I can say is that we are all here for you and I would be happy to listen to you whenever you just need to vent or laugh or talk about your kids etc. I know I am not the same as your mom but I like to hear your stories and besides how many times have you listened to me talk about Isaac!? :) Hang in there Sara! Love ya!

Liz said...

I totally listened to Keith Green growing up! My parents had all his records and I loved listening to them!

birdietwoshoes said...

Steve and Annie Chapman!!! We TOTALLY listened to them all the time! We saw them in concert every time they came in our area. I even played with their kids "backstage." My parents still listen to them today and whenever I hear them it brings back such memories. We hung out with them once a few years ago when they came to a nearby church. I have pictures! They are really cool people.

Sarafu said...

Totally Funny! They met with my parents a couple of times (didnt do much good aparently :) ) But I remeber thinking it was really cool that they got to meet them and stuff. I met them when they came through town once when I was like 10 or so but I never got to meet their kids. LUCKY! Lol! I actually have a CD of theirs still. It brings back such crazy memories! I love it. I still cry when I hear that song...um......"I count it as a privalidge...." somehting like that. :)
I know, I am a dork!

betharoo said...

Keith Green!! Did anyone ever read the book by his wife about him? Incredible.

What's weirdest about losing someone (not at Walmart) is the love-vacuum. Thank God your mom was verbal - somethimes I can almost hear his voice.

I think there are seperate times/forms of grieving: For the past memories, for the present needs and for the future dreams. Does that sound corny? I SOOO wanted Lynn to meet Afton and actually had to grieve that Afton would never have a memory of Lynn, or have her at her wedding or any of those fabulous making (burning) cookies w/ gramma experiences.

Our vacation with her has been a LIFE-SAVER, Such clear, personal memories that can be shared or just mine. Every time I smell lavendar I think of her.