Monday, December 27, 2004

Ahhhh....The Holidays

Well, Christmas is over and I am now waiting for the new year. I certainly hope that 2005 has a better year in store for me than 2004.
My Christmas seemed to be a roller coaster. I had So much fun watching Jack open his gifts and get all excited over things like.....tissue paper, :) and being able to share Christmas morning with Levi, Beth and Cedar was Great too! Its something I really treasured under the circumstances. I was able to see Daniels family and spend some one on one time with Randy and Missy an I really enjoyed all of that. Christmas morning has such a rush about it and its even better having a child to watch, Of Course I think I get just a big of a rush watching Daniel open things too, but all of the sudden when things died down a bit the reality of "Life" hit me and it made me really emotional! There were times during the day that one minute I would be fine and the next I would literally have to clench my jaw to fight back tears. It just Sucks that its Christmas and its probably the last one I will have with my mom and she is laying up in a hospital bed in pain and not really able communicate much. I got to see her for a total of an hour and it all around just Sucks! Anyway, I'm just venting, Sorry! So all that to say that this Christmas was good but had an underlying sadness and frustration about it. I pray that next year things aren't quite so heavy.
I need a Vacation!!!! Anyone Else?
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to the new year!

Friday, December 24, 2004

On the brighter side of things

I know I gave a whole lot of depressing info a few minutes ago but I thought I would share a little good info to counter that. My brother Levi and his family flew up here almost 2 months ago to be with my mom and say goodbye, little did we know he would be here for this long. Anyway, if you have read my blog at all you know the frustration I was feeling about his new found beliefs. Its been Really good having them here for more than just one reason. One, its just good to spend time with him, I forgot how much I missed him. We also have had several talks about our values and beliefs and it turns out we don't really differ that much. He has a different way of expressing what he believes but when it comes down to it we are on the same page. Now, politically we still don't agree but, whatever, I can deal with that! Its gotta make him feel bad that his little sister is right though! HAHA! :)
So in the midst of all of this crap with my mom God has given the small gift of having my oldest brother back for a little while. I am afraid that I am getting a little spoiled though and its going to make it even harder when they eventually have to leave. Its nice to have all the siblings, spouses and kids together for once!!! I guess there are some bright points that have come out of the last 2 months. Thank God for that!!

WOW, Time Flies....

Time Flies, but I wouldn't say that I have been having fun!! Sorry, its been a Hell of a long time since I blogged last. I haven't had much free time lately. Things with my mom have gone from bad to worse to even worse then to somewhat better and so on and so forth. Basically its been an insane roller coaster ride!! I wish I had some insight into what God was doing. We all had prepared ourselves 2 weeks ago to take her off life support because she had been unconscious for 2 weeks and was being kept alive with 2 machines. Then the day before we were going to take her off the vent she woke up!! Yah! Or so we thought, then within a couple of days some more events took place to put her back in the same boat she was in before, the only difference being she is awake now. Sometimes she is lucid and other times she looks really pissed off and seems like she wants everyone to leave. I guess I would be pretty pissed off though if I were in her shoes.
Anyway, we are back to the point again where we have to go back and think about what she would of wanted. Would she want to lie there and be kept alive by 2 machines without the ability to move any part of her body (with the exception of her face sometimes) and know that this is pretty indefinite. She told us before she went on the vent that this isn't what she wanted so I think that we know the answer to that. The problem lies in my grandparents. Its not natural to have to bury your children and they just cant let go. Our relationship with my grandparents was very important to my mother so I know that she wouldn't want destroying that. SO, What do you do??? How do you get them to the place where they understand that letting her go may be the most loving thing? God knows, I don't want my mom to die, she is my lifeline in life, but I cant stand watching her go through this anymore!!! She has spent her whole life sick and tired and part of her has just got to want to go home and be with Jesus. She is the MOST Incredible woman I have Ever met and in spite of all the shit she has been through in life she constantly praised God and showed others the compassionate heart of God through her own actions. Can you imagine the reward that she has waiting for her in heaven!!!
Ok, I'm sorry I kinda got off track but its nice to vent!! If anyone has any insight into what God is doing please let me know because I am at a loss. I know I have to trust Him even when things Suck and don't make sense but I am SO tired, I just want some answers!
Thanks for listening to my very long vent session!! I hope that you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!
Please keep praying!