Ahhhh....The Holidays

Well, Christmas is over and I am now waiting for the new year. I certainly hope that 2005 has a better year in store for me than 2004.
My Christmas seemed to be a roller coaster. I had So much fun watching Jack open his gifts and get all excited over things like.....tissue paper, :) and being able to share Christmas morning with Levi, Beth and Cedar was Great too! Its something I really treasured under the circumstances. I was able to see Daniels family and spend some one on one time with Randy and Missy an I really enjoyed all of that. Christmas morning has such a rush about it and its even better having a child to watch, Of Course I think I get just a big of a rush watching Daniel open things too, but all of the sudden when things died down a bit the reality of "Life" hit me and it made me really emotional! There were times during the day that one minute I would be fine and the next I would literally have to clench my jaw to fight back tears. It just Sucks that its Christmas and its probably the last one I will have with my mom and she is laying up in a hospital bed in pain and not really able communicate much. I got to see her for a total of an hour and it all around just Sucks! Anyway, I'm just venting, Sorry! So all that to say that this Christmas was good but had an underlying sadness and frustration about it. I pray that next year things aren't quite so heavy.
I need a Vacation!!!! Anyone Else?
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to the new year!

On the brighter side of things

I know I gave a whole lot of depressing info a few minutes ago but I thought I would share a little good info to counter that. My brother Levi and his family flew up here almost 2 months ago to be with my mom and say goodbye, little did we know he would be here for this long. Anyway, if you have read my blog at all you know the frustration I was feeling about his new found beliefs. Its been Really good having them here for more than just one reason. One, its just good to spend time with him, I forgot how much I missed him. We also have had several talks about our values and beliefs and it turns out we don't really differ that much. He has a different way of expressing what he believes but when it comes down to it we are on the same page. Now, politically we still don't agree but, whatever, I can deal with that! Its gotta make him feel bad that his little sister is right though! HAHA! :)
So in the midst of all of this crap with my mom God has given the small gift of having my oldest brother back for a little while. I am afraid that I am getting a little spoiled though and its going to make it even harder when they eventually have to leave. Its nice to have all the siblings, spouses and kids together for once!!! I guess there are some bright points that have come out of the last 2 months. Thank God for that!!

WOW, Time Flies....

Time Flies, but I wouldn't say that I have been having fun!! Sorry, its been a Hell of a long time since I blogged last. I haven't had much free time lately. Things with my mom have gone from bad to worse to even worse then to somewhat better and so on and so forth. Basically its been an insane roller coaster ride!! I wish I had some insight into what God was doing. We all had prepared ourselves 2 weeks ago to take her off life support because she had been unconscious for 2 weeks and was being kept alive with 2 machines. Then the day before we were going to take her off the vent she woke up!! Yah! Or so we thought, then within a couple of days some more events took place to put her back in the same boat she was in before, the only difference being she is awake now. Sometimes she is lucid and other times she looks really pissed off and seems like she wants everyone to leave. I guess I would be pretty pissed off though if I were in her shoes.
Anyway, we are back to the point again where we have to go back and think about what she would of wanted. Would she want to lie there and be kept alive by 2 machines without the ability to move any part of her body (with the exception of her face sometimes) and know that this is pretty indefinite. She told us before she went on the vent that this isn't what she wanted so I think that we know the answer to that. The problem lies in my grandparents. Its not natural to have to bury your children and they just cant let go. Our relationship with my grandparents was very important to my mother so I know that she wouldn't want destroying that. SO, What do you do??? How do you get them to the place where they understand that letting her go may be the most loving thing? God knows, I don't want my mom to die, she is my lifeline in life, but I cant stand watching her go through this anymore!!! She has spent her whole life sick and tired and part of her has just got to want to go home and be with Jesus. She is the MOST Incredible woman I have Ever met and in spite of all the shit she has been through in life she constantly praised God and showed others the compassionate heart of God through her own actions. Can you imagine the reward that she has waiting for her in heaven!!!
Ok, I'm sorry I kinda got off track but its nice to vent!! If anyone has any insight into what God is doing please let me know because I am at a loss. I know I have to trust Him even when things Suck and don't make sense but I am SO tired, I just want some answers!
Thanks for listening to my very long vent session!! I hope that you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!
Please keep praying!
Fu

Update

I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! Just wanted to give you an update on the latest. I am sorry that I haven't written in the last few days I have been residing for the most part at the hospital. My mom is now on a ventilator because she wasn't breathing on her own. They have her pretty well sedated because of all the tubes and wires that they have going in and out of her. She can respond to us a tiny bit sometimes but it is minimal. The squeeze of a hand or the raising of an eyebrow is a big deal. The whole family is up here now, her parents, brothers and kids. I hope that she knows that we are all here for her. The Dr says right now things could go either way but we need to prepare ourselves for the fact that she very well may not make it. I think that the mix of Lupus, Myasthenia, Eschemic Colitis, and Mersa all are fighting against each other so we just have to wait and see. Again I thank you all for your prayers and I am sorry I haven't posted in a while! I will try to keep you updated.
Fu

The ghost of our past.....

Isn't it Amazing how no matter how old we get and how many things we go through we cant escape our past. In my experience anyway, I find that as much I think I have dealt with my issues something in life will occur to assure me that there is still something there. It sneaks up on me when I'm not expecting it and then "BOOM" I'm 8 years old again trying to deal with why my daddy dint want to live with me anymore. I know it sounds stupid and something that I should get over but like I said it always seems as if its no big deal until life gets stressful or I hear one of those damn father-daughter songs. You know the ones I'm talking about! Anyway, so up until the past few years I would get really sad but overall I thought I had forgiven my father. But just this weekend I realized how Angry I am!!! Not just because he left but for all the things I missed and everything that I feel he turned his back on because it wasn't convenient for him. So my question is this....How do I know if I am just going through a time and its a healthy anger or if its something that I really haven't forgiven. It sounds like a silly question, I know, but any input helps!

How did we get here?

Lord, do I need to vent!! As much as I Love my family I fear a brother of mine has turned into the very thing that he hated the most. He would pee his pants if he saw this but he has to know deep down that his posts and logic sounds a lot like my fathers. No, he may not be the jerk of a husband and a dad but he has taken his stance on politics and religion apparently.Somewhere along the lines his standards got all jumbled up. I'm not saying that we all have to agree on politics and religion. But if you are going to take the stand for Christ you have to base your convictions on a biblical standard for life. If I see a non Christian with a flawed view of man and govt and they are living their life without God it makes me sad because they don't have a foundation and a standard to live by ( a biblical one anyway) Whereas when I see a Christian rationalizing crap and spending life justifying and making everything relative so that it fits into their little idea a good life, I just don't have the grace. When you compare the taking of human life to the environment...C'mon....thats crap!!!! Anyway, when do we get to the point where we just sit and trust God. Why do people have to go out and search for something better or more interesting. Is it just because they like to question, are they trying to fill some sort of void? When you really look into all this post modern stuff it sounds great on the surface but when you dig deep and get into all this pluralism and relativity it gets really fishy! Is this the modern day hippie? Ok, I'm done now. And hey, Lee if you read this, I love you dude but you gotta help me out here cause you don't sound like the man that left here 2 years ago. Remind me not to let anyone I know move out to Cali! :)

sarafu