Monday, November 08, 2004

The ghost of our past.....

Isn't it Amazing how no matter how old we get and how many things we go through we cant escape our past. In my experience anyway, I find that as much I think I have dealt with my issues something in life will occur to assure me that there is still something there. It sneaks up on me when I'm not expecting it and then "BOOM" I'm 8 years old again trying to deal with why my daddy dint want to live with me anymore. I know it sounds stupid and something that I should get over but like I said it always seems as if its no big deal until life gets stressful or I hear one of those damn father-daughter songs. You know the ones I'm talking about! Anyway, so up until the past few years I would get really sad but overall I thought I had forgiven my father. But just this weekend I realized how Angry I am!!! Not just because he left but for all the things I missed and everything that I feel he turned his back on because it wasn't convenient for him. So my question is this....How do I know if I am just going through a time and its a healthy anger or if its something that I really haven't forgiven. It sounds like a silly question, I know, but any input helps!

4 comments:

Sarias said...

Sara,

Welcome to life as I know it. I too have had major setbacks with a large portion of my family dying tragically in the span of 3 years. I was truly devasted. I swear I would trade my life in a second for any one of them to bring them back, but I can't and this is life.

The anger you feel is good, it means you're venting I believe is the word you used. To keep it inside will, and I repeat will chew you alive.

I am sure there are times that he too wishes he could turn back the clocks and much like my sitution, he can't. The best thing to do is exactly what you're doing - to face it and look at it, take it apart and put it back together for the next song or moment that brings it back.

I am somewhat fortunate, they all live again in my dreams. But then again, I rarely ever dream anymore so it kind of sucks.

Sarias

Sarafu said...

Thanks for the advice, It came a ta much needed time in my day! I thank God for the fact that I still have my family and am sorry that I find myself whining about things when in actuality things could me Much worse. I am very sorry for your losses and am Very grateful for your input. I do need to thank God that I do have the hope of tomorrow and that I am not in an endless search for resolution of a relationship that can never be fulfilled. :)Thanks

Anonymous said...

Sara,
Anger can be good to a certain point...and then you realize that the only person suffering from that anger is yourself. If you ever find yourself in the position where you happier to be angry than to forgive and move forward you may be stuck in the "grief cycle" somewhere.

From my own experience, the magical day never comes when you are not angry anymore...you have to choose to not be angry. Not because it lets them off the hook, but because you give yourself permission to be happy and FREE!! Free from anger and resentment which are holding you back from things that God has for you. It is a daily choice for a while until that feeling becomes a habit. I am not saying make yourself vulnerable again and in the postition to be hurt. You are much wiser and smarter than that now. You know what you can count on your dad for and what you can't. You have to get to a place to accept what he can offer, and don't expect anything else. Our past never leaves us...it is part of us! It makes us who we are--that would be STRONG women who know what we want, and go after it.

Elizabeth

Sarafu said...

THanks E...THat was definitly wisdom and something that was good to hear...it was kinda like my mom was woriting on this thing. Hey, have you been talking to her....:)! Tell her I miss her ALOT! Anyway, thanks for the reminder of My responsilbility with my anger as well as the the encouragment of who we are and what we are capable of. It was much needed!