My Son....He makes me proud....

This will be short but I have to share because I thought it was cute. Plus its really the only thing that I think that I have done or has happened to me today that is worth writing down. Unless you would like to hear about my fun filled day of cleaning, disciplining, yelling, Shopping, cooking and more cleaning. :) LOL! Anyway, I was at the grocery store with Jack and I was passing the checkout aisles. All of the sudden I hear Jack Screaming "I want that....Sydney, Sydney, Sydney and Ben." I looked over and there is a US magazine with Jennifer Garner (with Ben Afflek) on the front. (Jack calls her Sydney because of ALIAS) He was insistent that we get this magazine. Don't most kids go for the candy or the books with Clifford the Big Red Dog on the front? Anyway....Anyone who knows me knows that he is a child after my own heart! :) I sware, I'm not brainwashing him!! Of Course, we got the magazine after he twisted my arm a bit. That will be his bedtime story this evening. LOL! J/K...Really, I AM!

Rock a Bye Baby......

I am beginning to get used to the fact that I am having a boy and even getting a little excited now. I went shopping over the weekend (that always helps when I'm down.. :) )and got stuff for the nursery. Jack and this little one will be sharing a room since they're both boys but we didn't want to keep the same theme because, although its cute, the same thing gets old after a while. Plus, Jack needs to get a twin bed and we want to get something that will be appealing for baby and for Jack. Anyway, I got this REALLY cute stuff form Babies R Us. Its called Vintage Fire Truck by Wendy Bellisimo. You can view it on her web site if you are interested in seeing how cute this room is going to be! www.wendybellissimo.com So for all of you folks who thought that I was an awful person and that I wouldn't love my baby if it was a boy....You can now rest assured that I will smother it with love....And Really cure baby things!

You know what I Love......

BEWARE...Before you read this.....Its just a lot of venting!
I just love it when people are SO eager to give out parenting advice!! Actually, its the people that don't actually give advice but just smile at you with that "Oh, your so young and you have no idea what your doing...how sad" smile on their face. For all of you who have kids, you know the look. The look they give you when you discipline you child in front of them or they find our that you sleep with your 2 year old or you nursed past the 1 year mark. God forbid you do anything out of the "norm of American society". (Because that is sure to produce one stand up kid) I think that thing that urkes me the worst is that its 1) done under their breath with a patronizing smile that says "I'm better than you" and 2) Its not done by people who have grown children who have experience.(most of the time) Its done by, my personal favorite, people who don't have children, or people who are in the same stage of life as you, Young adults with small children. How does that make sense? How are those people any more qualified to make a judgment on how to raise My child. I am pretty sure that people think that we don't make decisions about parenting through our convictions but through just plain laziness and ignorance. I know that we all have our misconceptions and our downfalls but when it comes down to it we are all trying to do the best we can For our children. Isn't that what matters. I could go on but I think that everyone gets my drift. Anyway....I just really had to get that off of my chest....Whew...I feel better now! :) Thanks for listening to my vent session!

Life......It keeps going

Well, Sorry it has been so long since I posted. It has been a crappy month! Mostly because I don't enjoy being pregnant much and everything, good and bad, seems to be magnified by 1000. I cant tell you how many times I have wanted to call my mom up just cry and vent. She was always really good at saying all the right the things to make me feel better. Unfortunately, that's not a possibility. Also, to all who don't know, we now know that we are having another boy. Yipee! This has been the root of a lot of my despair the last few weeks. I know it sounds horrible, but I thought with the year that we had God would have given us our little girl. Guess Not! I am grateful that its healthy and I, of course, wont love this child less, but this is really going to take some getting used to. I really just wanted two kids, so its kind of a bummer that I may never have a girl. Anyway, I have also been sick for like 3 weeks, I cant seem to get my energy level up and, well, nevermind.....I'll stop whining now. Its not real constructive. So, anyone have any name suggestions? Were stumped! OH, and Please, don't comment if your going to say how horrible I am for being disappointed that I am having a boy...I'm really tired of that. Thanks! OK, bring on some cool boy names!

Wow..I'm a Slacker!

I really need to stay on top of this thing! I had forgotten that I even had a blog until the other night I was thinking I really needed to start journaling or something. Then, I thought about how much I hate writing things down when I start to get long winded. My hands get so tired! :) That, in turn made me think of typing, which brought me to my blog. Its a good way to journal I suppose as well as keep people informed about my life and what not. Anyway, all that to say I will try to keep up with this this for my own good. OK, Well Jack just woke up so I should go tend to him but I will write again soon!

Ahhhh....The Holidays

Well, Christmas is over and I am now waiting for the new year. I certainly hope that 2005 has a better year in store for me than 2004.
My Christmas seemed to be a roller coaster. I had So much fun watching Jack open his gifts and get all excited over things like.....tissue paper, :) and being able to share Christmas morning with Levi, Beth and Cedar was Great too! Its something I really treasured under the circumstances. I was able to see Daniels family and spend some one on one time with Randy and Missy an I really enjoyed all of that. Christmas morning has such a rush about it and its even better having a child to watch, Of Course I think I get just a big of a rush watching Daniel open things too, but all of the sudden when things died down a bit the reality of "Life" hit me and it made me really emotional! There were times during the day that one minute I would be fine and the next I would literally have to clench my jaw to fight back tears. It just Sucks that its Christmas and its probably the last one I will have with my mom and she is laying up in a hospital bed in pain and not really able communicate much. I got to see her for a total of an hour and it all around just Sucks! Anyway, I'm just venting, Sorry! So all that to say that this Christmas was good but had an underlying sadness and frustration about it. I pray that next year things aren't quite so heavy.
I need a Vacation!!!! Anyone Else?
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to the new year!

On the brighter side of things

I know I gave a whole lot of depressing info a few minutes ago but I thought I would share a little good info to counter that. My brother Levi and his family flew up here almost 2 months ago to be with my mom and say goodbye, little did we know he would be here for this long. Anyway, if you have read my blog at all you know the frustration I was feeling about his new found beliefs. Its been Really good having them here for more than just one reason. One, its just good to spend time with him, I forgot how much I missed him. We also have had several talks about our values and beliefs and it turns out we don't really differ that much. He has a different way of expressing what he believes but when it comes down to it we are on the same page. Now, politically we still don't agree but, whatever, I can deal with that! Its gotta make him feel bad that his little sister is right though! HAHA! :)
So in the midst of all of this crap with my mom God has given the small gift of having my oldest brother back for a little while. I am afraid that I am getting a little spoiled though and its going to make it even harder when they eventually have to leave. Its nice to have all the siblings, spouses and kids together for once!!! I guess there are some bright points that have come out of the last 2 months. Thank God for that!!

WOW, Time Flies....

Time Flies, but I wouldn't say that I have been having fun!! Sorry, its been a Hell of a long time since I blogged last. I haven't had much free time lately. Things with my mom have gone from bad to worse to even worse then to somewhat better and so on and so forth. Basically its been an insane roller coaster ride!! I wish I had some insight into what God was doing. We all had prepared ourselves 2 weeks ago to take her off life support because she had been unconscious for 2 weeks and was being kept alive with 2 machines. Then the day before we were going to take her off the vent she woke up!! Yah! Or so we thought, then within a couple of days some more events took place to put her back in the same boat she was in before, the only difference being she is awake now. Sometimes she is lucid and other times she looks really pissed off and seems like she wants everyone to leave. I guess I would be pretty pissed off though if I were in her shoes.
Anyway, we are back to the point again where we have to go back and think about what she would of wanted. Would she want to lie there and be kept alive by 2 machines without the ability to move any part of her body (with the exception of her face sometimes) and know that this is pretty indefinite. She told us before she went on the vent that this isn't what she wanted so I think that we know the answer to that. The problem lies in my grandparents. Its not natural to have to bury your children and they just cant let go. Our relationship with my grandparents was very important to my mother so I know that she wouldn't want destroying that. SO, What do you do??? How do you get them to the place where they understand that letting her go may be the most loving thing? God knows, I don't want my mom to die, she is my lifeline in life, but I cant stand watching her go through this anymore!!! She has spent her whole life sick and tired and part of her has just got to want to go home and be with Jesus. She is the MOST Incredible woman I have Ever met and in spite of all the shit she has been through in life she constantly praised God and showed others the compassionate heart of God through her own actions. Can you imagine the reward that she has waiting for her in heaven!!!
Ok, I'm sorry I kinda got off track but its nice to vent!! If anyone has any insight into what God is doing please let me know because I am at a loss. I know I have to trust Him even when things Suck and don't make sense but I am SO tired, I just want some answers!
Thanks for listening to my very long vent session!! I hope that you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!
Please keep praying!
Fu

Update

I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! Just wanted to give you an update on the latest. I am sorry that I haven't written in the last few days I have been residing for the most part at the hospital. My mom is now on a ventilator because she wasn't breathing on her own. They have her pretty well sedated because of all the tubes and wires that they have going in and out of her. She can respond to us a tiny bit sometimes but it is minimal. The squeeze of a hand or the raising of an eyebrow is a big deal. The whole family is up here now, her parents, brothers and kids. I hope that she knows that we are all here for her. The Dr says right now things could go either way but we need to prepare ourselves for the fact that she very well may not make it. I think that the mix of Lupus, Myasthenia, Eschemic Colitis, and Mersa all are fighting against each other so we just have to wait and see. Again I thank you all for your prayers and I am sorry I haven't posted in a while! I will try to keep you updated.
Fu

The ghost of our past.....

Isn't it Amazing how no matter how old we get and how many things we go through we cant escape our past. In my experience anyway, I find that as much I think I have dealt with my issues something in life will occur to assure me that there is still something there. It sneaks up on me when I'm not expecting it and then "BOOM" I'm 8 years old again trying to deal with why my daddy dint want to live with me anymore. I know it sounds stupid and something that I should get over but like I said it always seems as if its no big deal until life gets stressful or I hear one of those damn father-daughter songs. You know the ones I'm talking about! Anyway, so up until the past few years I would get really sad but overall I thought I had forgiven my father. But just this weekend I realized how Angry I am!!! Not just because he left but for all the things I missed and everything that I feel he turned his back on because it wasn't convenient for him. So my question is this....How do I know if I am just going through a time and its a healthy anger or if its something that I really haven't forgiven. It sounds like a silly question, I know, but any input helps!

How did we get here?

Lord, do I need to vent!! As much as I Love my family I fear a brother of mine has turned into the very thing that he hated the most. He would pee his pants if he saw this but he has to know deep down that his posts and logic sounds a lot like my fathers. No, he may not be the jerk of a husband and a dad but he has taken his stance on politics and religion apparently.Somewhere along the lines his standards got all jumbled up. I'm not saying that we all have to agree on politics and religion. But if you are going to take the stand for Christ you have to base your convictions on a biblical standard for life. If I see a non Christian with a flawed view of man and govt and they are living their life without God it makes me sad because they don't have a foundation and a standard to live by ( a biblical one anyway) Whereas when I see a Christian rationalizing crap and spending life justifying and making everything relative so that it fits into their little idea a good life, I just don't have the grace. When you compare the taking of human life to the environment...C'mon....thats crap!!!! Anyway, when do we get to the point where we just sit and trust God. Why do people have to go out and search for something better or more interesting. Is it just because they like to question, are they trying to fill some sort of void? When you really look into all this post modern stuff it sounds great on the surface but when you dig deep and get into all this pluralism and relativity it gets really fishy! Is this the modern day hippie? Ok, I'm done now. And hey, Lee if you read this, I love you dude but you gotta help me out here cause you don't sound like the man that left here 2 years ago. Remind me not to let anyone I know move out to Cali! :)

sarafu